I remember the feeling well. Sitting on the floor of my closet, I could feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Each leg felt heavy and my body weak. Like I had been working at the gym all day, which I hadn’t. It’s as if gravity was pulling me towards its earth forcing me to take a moment. I couldn’t tell you why tears were streaming down my face or why I couldn’t catch my breath. It just was. I assume it was my body’s way of coping. Telling me that I couldn’t rule the world. The thing was, I wasn’t trying to rule the world. I wasn’t trying to break the glass ceiling. I wasn’t trying to break a world record. I was just trying to be a mom.
Stress, anxiety and depression all show a strong correlation to those parents who have special needs children and handling their affairs daily.
One study has confirmed that mothers of children with autism have the same stress levels as combat soldiers.
I’m not sure if it’s the stress from lack of communication, the therapies, the burning question whether therapies are taking away from their childhood or even making a difference at all. I’m not sure if it’s the stress of scheduling, or the meltdowns. Oh the meltdowns… the meltdowns that require the same routine, the same clothing, no tags, sensory time each day, you know all the things we do to prevent these meltdowns. The list could go on.
Although, I would one day like to build a world where there is enough support for special needs parents that the results above are no longer found. I have therapy tomorrow 🤷🏽♀️🤣 Instead, I have listed 10 things that either myself or others like me have tried to cope with some of the stress associated with our daily job.
1. Find a Hobby
I know…. I know what you are thinking. A hobby? Like you have time right? You are exhausted by the end of the day and somehow you need to find time to relax so you can be up all night when the melatonin doesn’t work. I get it. I’ve been there. I am there. But, you know how on a flight they instruct you to oxygenate yourself before your neighbors? Parenting of any kind is exactly the same. I cannot provide the best care for my children if I’m not providing the best care for myself.
Hobby ideas: crafting, party planning, a sport, hiking, learning a new subject.
2. Find Your Show
My show is constantly changing. I typically rotate through Friends, The Office and Gilmore Girls. Right now I’m in the middle of How I Met Your Mother and can I just say how this is definitely just a play off Friends?? But more on that later… I do this so I just have some detox time. At the end of our bedtime routine we put on three short clips for the boys called “Latter Day Kids,” when their three episodes are up they know that it’s time for bed and I just switch the channel to my show. It’s just time for me to detox and use no part of my brain.
My favorites: Friends, The Office, How I Met Your Mother, Gilmore Girls and Vampire diaries.
3. Read a Book
We just took a 22 hour road trip and on it I realized how much I LOVE to read. I have to be careful with this though… I get so engrossed in the world I’m reading that I typically do this during bed time too (who needs sleep anyways?)
My favorite reads: I am a sucker for Nicholas sparks anything… I know very cliche, but he just put out a book titled The Return and I read it in a day…
4. Exercise
Excuse is similar to the first one huh? How in the WORLD are you going to find time for exercise? You barley have time to remember to eat food right? I have been on this journey personally for 3 years now and I can tell you those feelings of overwhelming chaos and hopelessness are far and in between when I am eating clean and exercising regularly. There’s something to respecting your physical body.
Favorite exercises: peloton bike, weight lifting program, beach body workouts and walks
5. Date Nights
Do you have anyone in your family that gets it? That understands your kiddos? That know to throw on the weighted vest when they are screaming on the floor? Or that he’s screaming because he hears something you don’t? I get it… but mama…. You need a break. You need a second to breath and if you are married. Dad needs a break too. When my husband and I got married something I heard over and over again was to “never stop dating,” I didn’t get it then. After 6 years and 2 special needs kiddos. I get it. We dated once upon a time, fell in love… but don’t you think that careers? Our kids? Life has changed us just a little? I am definitely not the same 20 year old my husband married and he is definitely not the same timid 22 year old I walked down the isle too. That’s part of growing up together. But taking time even once a month for each other has made such a huge difference in our marriage.
Don’t trust anyone? Can’t afford a date night? Put the kids to bed, throw some pillows on the floor and have a movie night.
Date Night: movie night, sundae night, game night, survivor night (our personal favorite).
6. Down Time
If your house is anything like mine you have a strict schedule to keep.
0730-:Wakeup/change/breakfast
0800-1000: ABA with kiddo #1
1000-1200: ABA with kiddo #2
1200: leave for school
1230-330: School
430: OT/Speech x2 hours (depending on day of week)
You also fit in some sensory time before each session, school, before lunch or maybe during.
I had to literally write in my calendar “down time” some days this starts at 4:00 and some days it starts at 6:00. The boys get the TV or their iPad and while they “vegetate” mama does the same. During this time I try hard to keep laundry unfolded, dishes in the sink or dinner unprepared so I can focus on clearing my mind too. Sometimes I’m so tired I literally just sit down and scroll through Pinterest. But I allow this to be guilt free because it’s written down. It’s scheduled down time!
7. Work
So I have recently had an interesting experience with this. The therapies were piling up and I felt like I was drowning. So I went PRN (as needed) at work meaning I am only required to pick up 2 shifts in a 6 week period. I went into this thinking I would do just that. However, I realized that this mama is a working mama and sometimes my time away from home, although hard is sometimes necessary. Now this has not done much for my mental psyche as I work in the emergency department, but it’s made me realize that sometimes it’s okay to step back. Find a part time, “side hustle” something that’s 100% yours!
Side hustles I’ve heard: Etsy, reselling on amazon, youtube channel and of course blogging! (Once I figure this out, I’ll let you in on all the secrets.)
8. Projects
I noticed this year around birthday time (May-August) that I LOVE throwing together the boys birthdays. I’m not great at the hosting part at the party but enjoy the planning, the decorating and finding activities for toddlers to do! Love. Love. Love. Find a project around the house you want to try this month. Maybe you want to try your hand at refurbishing? You could Add flea market flip to your list of shows and you’ll know what I’m talking about!
Project ideas: Remodeling a small room in your house, refurbishing a piece of furniture, planning a party, cricut.
9. Take a Walk
When all else fails load the kids up in the stroller and take a walk. Have you ever walked outside and just breathed in the fresh air? I don’t think there is anything quiet like it. It immediately feels me with a sense of peace and awe at God’s handy work.
Walks: Park, walking trails, around your neighborhood, state park.
10. Take a trip
So this one takes A LOT of planning, some saving and some faith. My husband and I never took a honeymoon… 6 years later and we are more than ready. My mother actually came to me with this idea a few months ago and after about 20,000 “what if’s” we are on a plane… to Hawaii. I was more than anxious to leave my kiddos behind in more than trusting hands, but husband and I need this and we have to be working at 100% in order to give them the care they deserve.
Trips: overnights in a big city, road trips over the weekend or honeymoon style!
Listen mama, I get it. I have been where you are. I am so walking this with you.
I know it’s hard. But we can’t stay there. We cannot allow ourselves to stay in the hard. Too many people are counting on us. Hold your head up and do something for YOU this week!
Love From Another ASDMama ✌️
Supporting Autism Mamas 